A Very Bazima Holiday
I have to do something else holiday-y soon so's I can muster up some more spirit to see me through the season. I've worked hard to get into it this year—making hot cider with disproportionate amounts of spiced rum, singing along with Burl Ives on Lite FM, watching the annual cartoon holiday specials on the TV, going to see Mayor Bloomberg turn on the LED lights at Grand Army Plaza in Brooklyn after drunkenly implying in his speech that borough president Marty Markowitz is a pedophile because all he could think about were the baton twirlers from the Whatever High School marching band standing next to him in their thin white tights and shiny, short blue skirts. It really was beginning to look a lot like Christmas!
I wish there was a special TV movie on right now starring Alfre Woodard or Wilford Brimley because nothing says the spirit of Christmas like those two. You know, something about a strange young girl who shows up on Alfre Woodard's doorstep with a baby in her arms one snowy night. Perhaps the mysterious girl is played by Keshia Knight-Pulliam. And maybe Wilford Brimley is the owner of the general store around the corner. And he looks suspiciously like St. Nick! If this movie was on right now I probably wouldn't watch it, but I'd feel festive just knowing that it was on. I would want it to be called Oprah Winfrey Presents A Very Festive Festival of Holiday Cheer. Although, that sounds like something totally different that I actually would watch. I'd also watch anything called A Very Smurfy Christmas even if it didn't have Smurfs in it. I would just want to show my support for the title. You know what else I would watch? Some Hanukkah cartoons. How come there aren't any of those? I'd like to see Charlie Brown and Linus lighting the menorah while Schroeder tickles the ivories, and maybe Snoopy dresses up as a giant dreidel.
But in lieu of all of that, because not all things are possible, not all dreams can come true, even at Christmas time, I think I'm just going to choreograph an ice skating routine to "Almost Paradise" by Mike Reno and Ann Wilson, the searing ballad from the original motion picture soundtrack Footloose. I'll be working on my choreography under the holiday hotlights at Rockefeller Center several hours a day next week. You should come by. It's probably going to be pretty festive and magical.
