Get Ready, Bitch! Fix Your Hair! Check Your Lipstick! (Textism: The Turkey Day Edition)
"After the jump" (I always feel like that is the most ridiculous thing to say and so I say it often), recent text messages sent to and from my not-an-iPhone phone. They have nothing to do with Thanksgiving, per se, though at Thanksgiving dinner I do plan to take a moment (or several) to look back over the years and give thanks for each and every one of them. Enjoy! I am totally throwing a turkey at you with SuperPoke IN MY MIND!*
Mayday! Wigs are missing!!!
OK where is it not over then? Cuz my shit looks over.
Wasps, bi-atch.
Get ready bitch! Fix your hair! Check your lipstick!
I just couldn't think of a good comeback.
Michael Paré. Date of Birth: October 9, 1958
Wait, did I win?
This one's a doozy.
Would it make you feel better to buy me dinner?
Scrabulous is fucking evil. EVIL!
At the Virgin Megastore Times Square where a motley crue is lined up around the block to meet superstar Nikki Sixx.
Doesn't that place blow dicks?
If you wanna go out with me cause I'm so awesome, you can just say.
Half-pint is a Jew-lover.
You up for unicorn?
Send the hawk.
Michael Cera is totally 19 now. I'm gonna send him an email.
I warn you I've gone sober. That's why I'm at Forever 21. Cause being sober makes you wanna shop.
You are made of pstars.
Might have or DID?
What do you think Ian Astbury is doing right now?
She's ruining my Target experience.
All ages hipster hell. No thank you!
Who the f reads Paris Review?
Liz Taylor's new bf is a black gay.
Girl, I gave him a bj months ago.
I need mimosa, eggs benedict. Where I can get?
He is drunk, yelling at people out the window, offering them beer and wine.
In other news, I'm sitting on my Swedish exercise ball, watching Arrested Development.
Hello! I got sidetracked! By my hangover! What you do?
We just went skinny dipping. Doug gave us all crabs.
Speaking of websites, have you seen my vagina?
I'm in an internet relationship with him. We're probably getting married.
Mythical creatures?
I want the fire back.
Breaking up with therapist.
You're like an oracle.
What colors is she?!!?
Pjwasted. Was fun. Open mic girl wbs axfesome too.
Can I just call you now?
I might have had sex with him 4 times.
Irish I could sing.
Mom's in town. Lots of nervous humming. Going to crawl under blanket and cry and then eat ice cream till puke, then die alone.
Lights! Camera! Look confused!
