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Someone I know, and I'm not saying it's me, has a trick that they employ because of a problem they have. You know how sometimes you (and I mean "you") might drunk-text someone, or go on a night of concurrent drinking and texting—heretofore known as TUI or Texting Under the Influence. Well, if you can just remember, in your sloppy state, to delete the text messages right after you send them, then it's like they never even happened. You have enough to deal with the day after the night before, like, for instance: hair of the dog, taking a shower, and not worrying about drunken texting which allegedly took place in the past.

Neat trick, hussy!

The next time you're in a bar bathroom and you've got your phone out, among other things, it's also just helpful, if only to ease your rapidly dwindling sense of dignity, to try and remember that for every drunken text message you send to someone, that person has probably sent at least twice that many TUIs to someone else. Maybe even to you.

But I think we should take this TUI business a couple of steps further. I was thinking about this issue yesterday as I was walking through Union Square on my way to therapy. As I rounded the corner off Broadway, there was Scott Speedman, star of "Felicity" and "Underworld", looking all kinds of hot. He was standing by the entrance to the subway texting someone! I looked at him, he looked at me briefly, and then went back to texting. I tried to quickly think of a convo piece related to texting and TUIs and how hot and famous we both are, but I was already twenty minutes late for therapy. (I didn't discuss any of this stuff with my headcleaner. I think I have more important things to work out with her than text messaging, delusions of grandeur and a drinking problem.)

Of course, not all TUIs are bad. You should really only text someone if you're 95% certain in your impaired judgment that they will respond favorably. For some people, if they never pulled a TUI, they'd never get laid. (You know who you are.) But I think that in order to monitor incoming and outgoing text messages when out for cocktails, it's best to just hand your phone over to a friend who will act as your cell phone operator, a designated texter, if you will.

Here's how that might work for outgoing TUIs:

You (on your third vodka tonic): Um, can I see my phone for a sec?

Designated Texter: What for?

You: I just need to see something.

DT: Who do you wanna text?

You: No one!

DT: Who do you wanna text?

You: Um, just that guy... you know...

DT: When was the last time you texted him?

You: Last night?

DT: Did he text back?

You: ...No.

DT: Absolutely not.

Here's another possible scenario:

You: I need my phone for sec.

DT: What do you need it for?

You: Um, I wanna text someone.

DT: Who?

You: Someone...

DT: What do you want to text him?

You: Um, I want to tell him we're at the bar and he should come by.

DT: Likelihood that he will respond?

You: ...Um, he probably will.

DT: And if he doesn't, likelihood that you will want to immediately delete the message in shame and/or start texting everyone else you can think of?

You: ...Um. I don't know how to answer that.

DT: Absolutely not.

And finally:

DT: You've just received a text initiated by Boy X. He wants to know what you're doing. How would you like me to respond?

You: Tell him I'm here and he should come meet us. But push the buttons and hit send casually.

Last night I ran this by Kyuti, my partner in crime, and she gave it the thumbs up. She thinks we should have an acronym like MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers), only different, and I agree. Kyuti would like the acronym to be TADA! But what could that stand for, we wondered. Texters Against Drunk Attacks? We're just having a hard time coming up with the actual, um, whatever the opposite of an acronym is.

I'd like to hear from you all out there. Lurkers, this is your opp. Can you think of a good opposite of an acronym when the acronym is TADA! and the issue is dignified handling of drunk texting? You'll win a T-shirt and some buttons and a tote bag and a trapper keeper and a free Nokia cell phone with unlimited text messaging from AT & T.