The Elephant In The Room Is Also My Imaginary Boyfriend
[NOTE: This reads kind of depressing, but it was actually funny when it happened and it's even funnier when I tell it in person. Maybe you kind of have to know me, or something, I guess. Anyway, just remember this is something that's VERY FUNNY.]
On my way home the other night I ducked into the grocery store just as they were about to close. I'd spent the day with old friends, from its wee hours (ten in the morning being wee to me) to the nearly wee hours in the night. After a morning nosh, a Thai food dinner, two vodka tonics, a glass of wine, half a klonopin, and a Diet Dr. Pepper, I was lucky that I remembered that if I did not return home with a certain something from the food store, someone waiting for me back at headquarters would be none too pleased.
So I'm in the store and I head straight for the cat food aisle. I grab some kitty chow and then I think I might as well, since I'm here, get one little something for me while I'm at it. I dash over to the ice cream section because Hello, Breyer's Neopolitan, don't mind if I do. Then I make my way to the one checkout lane that's still open and I set my two items down on the belt and I'm thinking to myself, perfect. The kid behind the register is giggling at a conversation going on inside his Blackberry. (Because kids have Blackberrys.) He looks at me, looks down at the bucket of ice cream, then at the bag of cat food, and then he looks back up at me. "Yeah," I say. "I'm single."
