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Anti-Marriage/Pro-Presents Birthday conversation with Sarah Brown:

Her: Careers and families are so boring! You have a great rack and so many wigs! That's something more interesting to be proud of.

Me: Sarah Brown, let's get a room.

Her: I will marry you.

Me: You are killing me.

Her: Do I need to buy you a ring or a bump or something to make it final? Call your dad or Doug?

Me: Yes.

In other news, at next Saturday's birthday bash my girl Kyuti will be performing a live re-enactment of my birth. Not to be missed!

AND, in honor of today, my date of birth, I thought I would gift all of you with a list of lessons I've learned over the last [blank] years. Just a little Bazima Wisdom from mine to yours.

• Avoid emergency rooms as much as is humanly possible.
• When in doubt, wear a wig.
• If you are someone who carries a camera with you at almost all times, the times that you choose not to carry one because you think it's stupid to bring it are the times that you wish you had it the most.
• For the ladies: Obey Aunt Flo.
• For the men: Obey Aunt Flo.
• If you are 5'3 3/4", 110 pounds, and have a fairly fragile immune system, 4 bumps are 3 too many.
• Be aware of trickery.
• Take it from the completely converted: karaoke is cathartic.
• Sex is just the best thing for your constitution.
• Men who lie are liars.
• You are very confused.
• Ketel One and tonic is the same thing as Corona with lime.
• Keep your phone on vibrate for the most part. In the summertime get a Metallica ringtone.
• A booty call is a booty call is a booty call.
• Think back, figure out who your type is, and then maybe re-think it.
• Embrace your inner teen often.
• Fingering is still #1.
• Even if you work from home most of the time, get dressed for the weekday. Other than that, be naked as much as possible.
• Take field trips.
• No expectations.
• Size matters. No debate.
• Never underestimate the importance of a window in the bathroom and a nice, clean bathtub.
• Feeling sick or blue? Watch seasons 4-7 of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Bad break up? Sopranos.
• Cleaning house should always be combined with playing dress-up. Don't forget the pink rubber gloves!
• Smudging.
• Magic.
• Details.
• Therapy for Everyone!
• Always have the backs of the ones you love. And find the ones who'll have yours.
• There's no such thing as closure. But close to it.
• The real test is what happens when the shit hits the fan.
• Try not to be an asshole most of the time. Or, when you are being one just announce it!
• There will always be more work on your plate.
• Take it out and then put it back in.
• If you feel like a hooker... Um, I know there's a lesson in here somewhere...
• No side-seam manatees!
• Hugs!
• It sounds so simple but: just be yourself. My best friend Doug is always reminding me of this. Thanks, Doug! I love you!
• Stand back and throw your hat in the ring.

This is all I know.