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I first met Sarah "Kyuti" Kelly sometime long about 1998-ish. We worked for the same non-profit and what struck me the most about her was that often during Monday morning staff meetings, Sarah would have her head down on her desk, fingers on her keyboard blindly downloading 80's music from Napster. She's the kinda gal who will call you to tell you about her day and share with you stories about things that would somehow only happen to her. She's a force of nature, a total superhero whose inimitable powers you can't quite put your finger on. Any kid who fucks with this kid is a dead kid. This is the most heavenly 7 minutes I've ever had. Read and learn, people. Read. And. Learn.

1. If you could sleep with someone without anyone ever knowing who would it be?
Janet Reno. She doesn't even know I exist....

2. What's the worst thing someone ever said to you during sex?
"I'm gonna slap you like a little chicken." Still, you usually can block something like that out. I think weird sex face is much worse. Even when you close your eyes it's still there, hovering above you or below you or beside you... If weird sex face and orgasm were on the Smackdown, weird sexface would totally win.

3. Do you believe in marriage?
I believe in the idea of a working partnership between people, but I don't think it's for everyone. You have to be realistic about the fact that it isn't all rainbows and moonbeams. It takes a lot of effort, and all parties have to be committed to that level of work (look at how serious I got). That said I am a huge believer in rainbows and moonbeams and mythological creatures like centaurs and krakens and tax cuts... As for the government's role in defining marriage, both on a local and federal level, I feel that is a very angry conversation for another time.

4. What's your idea of an ideal relationship?
For me, an ideal relationship consists of two people who are conscious of each others feelings, and who allow for change and growth within the relationship and with each other. So, I'd like to try that. Preferably with someone who is not a filthy liar. And who likes toots and ice cream. And who responds often with "Wow, honey, you are the best! Would you like some more roast?"

5. Who was your first true love?
Toss up between Ian Astbury and my first swimming teacher at the Y named Denise (total moustache). $#@%@!!! But, really, in terms of "true" love, it was a boy named Rob. He was a photographer and would use me as his model and do things like duct-tape me to walls, etc. He would hide in our apartment and wait for me to come home and then attack me... My very own Cato. We fell in love and broke each other's hearts. It was amazing.

6. If you had a make-love-to-me soundtrack (and I suspect that you do) what songs would be on it?
The Immigrant Song - Led Zeppelin
Stay Awhile - Bells
Strange Magic - ELO
Shake You Down - Gregory Abbott [Editor's note: Sarah brings the kara-motherfucking-oke house down with this little ditty. Believe.]
Let Me Love You Down - Ready For The World
Pony - Ginuwine
Take Me Home Tonight - Eddie Money w/ Ronnie Spector
The Beautiful Ones - Prince
Je T'aime..Moi Non Plus - Serge Gainsbourg
MacArthur Park - Richard Harris
Tales of Brave Ulysses - Cream
Only Drowning Men - Calla
Everyday World of Bodies - Rodan
Afternoon Delight - Starland Vocal Band
Changes in the City - Oneida
I love You - Climax Blues Band

And of course anything by Basia.

7. What does it take win you over?
I feel like a good bundt cake would probably do it. And if you laughed at all my jokes and gave me presents and balloons and told me how smart and funny I am and gave me a puppy and hired a skywriter to write "Girl, you fine." But, no, really, in all seriousness, because I am a very serious person... If you serenaded me I would probably get naked on the spot.

Um. Do you see what I mean? Find out more about Sarah by stalking her at the POINT BREAK LIVE! show this Friday. (But you'll have to go through me first.)