{bazima.com}

Dear Bazima,

I just read about this in a magazine. You know a lot about dating. I'm going out on my first date and I want to know--how can I get him to like me?

M

Dear M,

If being a whore means "knowing a lot about dating" then so be it. You have to go out on a lot of first dates to have your first good first one, you know what I mean? First dates are hard because there are all those Date Questions that one must ask and also answer. How do you like your job? Where's your family from? What's your favorite color? Who's your favorite teacher?...

Personally, those Date Questions make me wince. What is it about them anyway? On the one hand, you're already nervous so, of course, you're worried about being able to say what you mean, as though whatever you say will be written on your forehead in indelible ink forever. You're trying to figure out how to represent yourself while representing yourself. It's a complicated process. You also worry that you'll inadvertently say something that ends up being a total conversation killer. Your not-so-witty reparte is faced with deathly silence and a confused glare. In this situation, ask yourself: What would Gilbert Gottfried do?

BUT. Okay. SO. On the other hand, let's be positive here. I'm really trying to be a more positive person in life--it's not going very well. All the first date meshagas is really a good test of character--his and yours. And if you're not used to being asked all of those questions by a total stranger, it can actually be fun, in a totally self-involved way, to explain who you are to someone. You can look at it as a social science experiment. And then you can critique and analyze yourself on your performance when you go to therapy the following week.

Listen to me. You can't convince someone that you're likeable. Trust me. And you should know that by now. All you can do is be yourself and hope that they do like you. God, I sound like my mother circa 1984. She used to tell me that all of the time. What the hell did she know? Do you know how many people hate me? Okay, POSITIVE! POSITIVE! POSITIVE ATTITUDE! And, also, this isn't about ME! Look, if you really are unlikeable, then you're going to have some problems. But, you know you're a likeable person, don't you? Someone should tell you so. I think you should know.