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Here's more evidence that Sarah Brown and I were born attached at the cosmic hip. I say cosmic because I am much much much older than she is. Recently, she wrote:

One trend I've noticed lately is a lot of people on the street wearing big headphones again. Let me go on the record right now as saying I am ALL FOR this... I think everyone should go out and buy the biggest cans they can find, like the giant kind Matthew Sweet wore on the cover of 100% Fun.

Dude. I concur. Then she added:

Why do all new cars look like they're half-melted teardrops now? Do we really need to be so aerodynamic that our dashboards can't have a right angle?

Girl. Hello. I've been saying this non-stop all year.

Really. Must cars all look the same? Must they all be modeled after what my first college roommate called butthole suppositories? I want clean, distinct lines. I like your old school Volvo wagons. Let me see some '71 Torino, a '69 Dodge Charger, a DeSoto, a bitchen Camarro for fuck's sake with a shirtless girl toy rocking The Runaways on the hi-fi and a stack of pre-anal wax era Hustler mags on the floor behind the passenger seat. When I head out to the beach this summer I want to see ghetto blasters and transistor radios. Sure, we'll all be playing our LimeWire downloaded mp3's from them, but it's the idea.

More and more I'm drawn to the old. Maybe that's because I AM old. This is why I swore I would never see any of the new episodes of "Star Wars" and why -- because whenever I say "never" that usually means I will -- when I saw the latest SW flick, "Revenge Of The Sith" (the only one I actually have seen out of the last three), I wanted my money back. Actually, I didn't pay for my ticket. My boyfriend did. But I would have taken that $10.25 back just the same.

Natalie Portman sucks. Let's just get that out of the way right off the bat.

The most painful thing about The Sith and, from what I've heard, about the two episodes that came before it, is the glaring lack of any sense of humor. Remember the original "Star Wars"? That was some funny shit. Princess Leia had most of the zingers and she was so charismatic and tough at the same time. It makes it hard to believe she could be the spawn of Natalie Portman's Padme or Pad Thai, or whatever her stupid name is, and that one-trick pony Hayden Christensen. Actually, I can't even think of a single trick he pulled out of his sleeve. No-trick pony?

The characters are unbearably flat. They're almost the antithesis of the ones that came before them. Even when not compared to the very first script, every bit of dialogue is about as interesting as, well, I can't even think of a good analogy, that's how lame it is. The character dynamics in the first trilogy made for a most excellent sci-fi soap opera. This trilogy just makes for a... dope opera. (Did I say that out loud?) Even Ewan McGregor lacks any of the charm that one would expect a young Obi-Wan to have. Sir Alec Guinness must be turning over in his grave. (Either because of this episode or that "dope opera" joke.)

And I'm sick of this tired old computer generated acrobatic bullshit. Just because we can use CGI to make Samuel L. Jackson do back flips does that mean we should? The studio pays for his insurance, don't they? Strap him into one of those pulley things and fling him all around the g.d. set. It's fun for everyone. A little hard on the man-package, I'm sure but wouldn't that be sight for sore eyes? Real stunts by real people? Come on now. You're boring me to tears.

For the first forty-five minutes of the movie I honestly had no idea what was going on. The worst part about it was that it didn't matter. There were few scenes that captured my attention. Among them were the ones with that little green Yoda in them and fight scenes with those glow-in-the-dark lifesaver thingies, or light sabers, whatever they're called. And the final scene was exciting only because it told the ending to the story that we'd all been waiting for, when Luke Skywalker's father becomes Darth Vader.

And so, at the end, we're back to the beginning of the story. Back to 1977. Granted, I was five then and running up and down the movie theatre aisles because I couldn't sit still for more than ten minutes, but I was aware enough to know that Mark Hamil was the boy I wanted to marry, Harrison Ford was the guy I wanted to run away with, and Carrie Fisher was the girl I wanted to be. But, of course, George Lucas says that even though this trilogy is over there are some "surprises" in store. Please, for the love of god, Lucas, just re-release "Star Wars," "The Empire Strikes Back," and "Return Of The Jedi" in theatres all across the country and let us re-live the glory days. Save the new scenes and episodes for the Trekkies, or whatever you call the hardcore Star Wars fans who believe they were Wookiees in a previous life. That's not Chewbacca in your blood. That's just back hair.