{bazima.com}

Pages from my real diary read at the inaugural Cringe Reading at Freddy's Bar and Backroom, April 6, 2005.

Dear Diary,

Today is Tuesday May 25th, 1985. I guess it’s about 3:00 or 4:00 but, you see, I wouldn’t really know because I’m stuck on the stairs again in a "time-out" for a friggin’ hour (but I’ll get to that later). I’ve always wanted to start a diary and I have tried many times but I can never keep up with them because, first of all, I’m lazy, second of all, I’m a procrastinator, and third of all, my whole life is like waiting to do something until a tomorrow that never comes. Ha! I quoted that from my mother. But now I’ve dedcided that I’m 12 now, and I’ve waited long enough and I’m think that your high school years are the hardest probably, and you have a lot of emotional problems during those years.

The reason why I have to sit on the stairs for an hour is because I was in a rage with my mother. Hey, but sitting here for an hour, I think it’s worth it because I hate her. The only thing is that when I show my report card or my progress reports and the grades are bad it makes me feel real cheap. They stink so much. Actually, they don’t stink they suck and not only do they suck, they suck shit! Welp, my hour is up. Now I have to drag myself to my mother’s room and sit there doing my homework for 2 1/2 hours and then I’ll have to sit there while she checks my math. SCREW HER! Gotta go! I know we’ll be great friends, Diary! Love, Blaise

Dear Diary,

Today is May 28th, 1985. You know who my secret love is? Alex Hubbard. OOH LA LA! He’s SO FINE. He’s got dark skin and an earring in his left ear. I’ve liked him for so long and I plan on keeping it a secret. He’s in my homeroom and he fucks his way around the school. That’s probably why some girls like him. Wait till you hear what happened between him and me on Friday in the cafeteria. He walks up to me and he says, “Blaise, You’re a looker. But you’re not developed. See, if you were developed, you’d be perfect. But you’re not so." Then I was standing in line to get some ice cream and there was no one behind me so he comes up behind me and hugs me from behind. He was pressed against me real hard and I loved it! I was surprised that I let him do that because when I was going out with Brooks for a month I wouldn’t even let him kiss me. Poor Brooks!

Saturday, January 31, 1987

Dear Diary,

This is my first entry of my new book. On Monday, I got into a fight with my dad because I didn’t feel like going to school. One, because it was snowy and miserable. Two, because I had just found out that the night before that my boyfriend was sick of me. Two days later he dumped me. Matt called me Tuesday night. As far as I knew at that point everything was fine. I suppose he was going to break the news then but he got another call and said he would call me back. At about 8:30 (I remember because “Growing Pains” was on), Jeremy called me. He said, “I just thought you might like to know, Matt’s going to call you in about 5 minutes to break up with you.” “Are you serious?” I asked. Jeremy was definitely serious. He was a real jerk about it too. I got really worried so I called Matt and I started to bring up what Jeremy said but then I decided not to because I didn’t know how to say it. “NO, come on. Tell me what you were gonna say,” Matt said to me. He probably said that because he didn’t know how to say it either so he made ME bring it up. “Is what Jeremy said true?” I asked. He hesitated and then said, “Um, yeah.” My heart sank. My jaw fell to the floor. All I could think of was WHY? HOW? HOW COULD THIS BE? HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? He said it was because he was getting really tired of the fact that “we never saw each other” because of transportation and parent problems. He also said it was really hard for him at school because he was getting “tempted.” He said he couldn’t handle seeing couples in his school all the time walking hand in hand or with their arms around each other knowing that he couldn’t be with me. I tried my hardest to make him change his mind but he was really set on it. He also said that he’s always had trouble keeping interest in one person for more than a month. Well, gee. That makes me feel a lot better! I thought I would at least be a little bit different. Guess not. He said he still wanted to be friends. (Don’t they all!) I wish he hadn’t said that. It almost never turns out that way, ask anyone.

The next day I woke up to find my eyes were all swollen and bloodshot from bawling the night before. When I went to the mirror the first thing that greeted me, besides myself, was the small picture of Matt taped to the corner. I got to school at 7:45. No one was in homeroom yet and I left the lights off so it was pretty dark except for the light coming through the windows. I sat on the heater and stared out into the street. I had the emptiest, deepest feeling inside me. I couldn’t believe it was over. I felt empty with sadness, but full of despair at the same time.

I guess I should tell you about my weekend, now that I’ve told you all about Matt.

Friday night was the night of the dance. Jen came over and we went to Friendly’s. There we met Harry. A gorgeous, funny waiter. We left him a two dollar tip for flirting with us. Then we went to see “Outrageous Fortune” with Shelley Long and Bette Midler. It was wicked funny. We were all set to head for the dance. We walked outside and it was snowing and raining and hailing really hard. We went back into the theatre and Robert was working at the snack bar. He started laughing as soon as he saw us coming back in. “Hi, we’re back,” I said. “This is going to sound weird but can we have two garbage bags?” “TWO GARBAGE BAGS?” he laughed. “Yeah. See, we’re on our way to a dance and we don’t want to get our hair wet so we want to put plastic bags over our heads.” He laughed again. “You want to put plastic bags over your heads.” “Sssh! Don’t say it too loud!” I said. He called out to everyone in the lobby, “Does anyone have two plastic bags for these ladies?” He was so funny and really cute. Then we were presented with two bright yellow garbage bags that were practically glow-in-the-dark. We said goodbye to Robert in our infamous, flirtatious way and headed out the door.

When we got to the dance Eliana was depressed because she liked John and he spent the whole night dancing with Andrea. But Andrea was upset because at the end of the dance John frenched her and Number One—she likes him but she doesn’t know if she likes him in that way, and Number Two—John is good friends with David her ex, and she knows that David will have SOMETHING to say to John about this.

We requested INXS and the Violent Femmes to Mr. Reynolds, but he said he didn’t have any. Yah. BULLSHIT. He’s such an asshole. We sat down with Sarah, Eliana, and WIN!!! I recognized Win right away from elementary school. Sarah was dying to dance with Win and when Eliana leaned over to him to tell him Sarah was so embarrassed that she ran away which looked really bad. “You went to Pierce School, didn’t you?” I asked him. “Yeah, did you?” He asked but he said he didn’t remember me. “You were in a grade below me,” I said. “I remember your sister too. I was in a play with her in 4th grade. I can’t believe you don’t remember me!” “Well, tell him your name!” Jen said. Eliana said, “Yeah, God! You might want to tell him your name!” “I’m Blaise,” I said. He said, “I remember that name but I don’t remember the face.” He asked us where we all lived and how old we were. We found out that he was fifteen and in the 8th grade. “What groups do you guys like?” he asked. “INXS!” Jen and I said simultaneously. “We went to their concert over the summer.” “They’re pretty cool,” Win said. “But do you like The Cure?” he asked. “Yep.” “The Cult?” “Yep.” “The Police?” "Yep." “The B-52’s.” “NO!” “Oh, damn. I was on a roll,” he said. “Actually I’m not really that into them either.” He was so gorgeous. He looks like River Phoenix from “Stand By Me.” Tall, spiked hair, nice body (he works out), braces but that’s okay. I’ve never kissed a guy with braces before. His friend came over to get him. They were leaving. He put on his red C.B. jacket. I whispered, “Jen I wish I had his phone number.” “So ask him!” “No!” Jen yelled “STOP!” Win turned around and looked at us. I could have killed her. He looked at me. “Um, Never mind,” I said. We stood in front of him in silence. He through up his hands and rolled his eyes as if to say, “I don’t know,” but INSTEAD he said, “Um, do you think I could have your phone number?” I almost died. Jen went into the bathroom and came back out with a purple pen and a paper towel. I took Win’s arm and turned him around so I could lean on his back. I wrote my name and phone number. Jen said, “Write me on there too!” I put her name and number under mine in parentheses.

I was so psyched. I told everyone that Win asked for my number. Jen slept over, of course. We decided that it was, besides the INXS concert, the best time we had ever had together. The INXS concert was the “concert blast,” and that night was the “weekend smash.” We’re saving the yellow trash bags.

October 27th, 1987

I got into the most massive fight with Steve this morning over the phone. He is such a fucking little shit and he’s NOT coming to the party this weekend. The only bad part about that is now we don’t have wine coolers, not to mention a keg, but I’m just praying that Phil can help us out.

Amy was being such a little cunt today and I’m so sick of putting up with it. The girl is 15 and she acts and treats her friends the way I used to treat mine when I was in kindergarten and first and second and third grade. The thing is, she can be a fun friend, but when she starts to shit all over you… OH RUSH!!! “Carrie” by Europe just came on Z94!

Okay. I’m sorry. I just had to hear that song. There’s actually a really pretty song on the radio right now that I’ve never heard before. It sounds like something Jennifer Holiday or Luther Vandross would sing. I can’t stop thinking about “Carrie” by Europe. It’s such an awesome song. I think it’s like number five or something. The lead singer of the band who sings it, is just amazing. He’s got one of those voices that just gets to me, y’know? His name is Joey Tempest and when I saw him in the video I almost shit. He just gets so into the song and I can hear that in his voice over the radio. God, I just get so caught up in music it’s not even funny.