Scrounging For Globes
I hope everyone had a pleasant Martin Luther King Day. I'm sure you took it upon yourselves to spend your day off volunteering in your community or someone else's, devoting the holiday to civil service in honor of Dr. King's legacy. Me? I slept late, went out to lunch, hydrated my slight hangover, and sat on my lazy old ass talking about the Golden Globe Awards.
My two favorite moments during the GGA's were when Prince got face time, and when the cameras clocked Kate Winslet focusing intently on her manicure in the middle of a Robin Williams tired and unfunny fit of an acceptance speech for some Lifetime Achievement Award or something. Not even his wife was laughing at his inane humor. Poor girl. Kate knows. Sometimes you just need to focus on your nails. Other times, your salad.
Now that the Golden Globes have come and gone, I'm looking ahead to February whenever-it-is when I will be wearing my Salvo Armé to an Oscar party in Brooklyn, praying that I win the pool so that I can eat the next day. For what it's worth, here are my Oscar picks for 2005.
Best Actor
Sean Penn, The Assassination of Richard Nixon
Best Documentary
Metallica: Some Kind of Monster
Best Achievement, Plastic Surgery or Botox
Nicole Kidman, Birth and that Baz Luhrmann Chanel No. 5 commercial
Best "Simulated" Ass-Fucking
Gael Garcia Bernal, Bad Education
The Thank You For Just Being You Award
Johnny Depp
Best Reason to Re-Visit 1978's Breaking Away Via Netflix
Dennis Quaid, In Good Company
The What Were You Doing at The Golden Globes Anyway? Award
Sarah Ferguson
Best Reason for Using A Body Double
Peter Saarsgard, Kinsey
Best Line, Non-Scripted
"Help me! I lost my teeth!" Tarnation
Best Actress I'd Most Like to Punch in The Face in The Name of Mary-Louise Parker
Claire Danes
The All Hat and No Cattle Award
Gwen Stefani, The Aviator
The Sandra Oh Award
Sideways
Honorary John Travolta Sandra Bullock 'Please Go Away' Award
Jude Law
Best Actor Tricked Into Thinking He's Actually Special Because Martin Scorsese Says So
Leonardo DiCaprio
Best Hot Asian Action
House of Flying Daggers
Best Channeling of The Deceased
Jamie Foxx, Ray
The Martin Luther King Jr. Legacy Award
The Motorcycle Diaries
Best Picture You Figure You'll Hate
Friday Night Lights
Best Reason To Even Pay To See Your Stupid Movie Anyway
Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Striesand, Meet The Fockers
Best Movie I Don't Feel Like I Really Need To See
Vera Drake
Best Use of Mark Wahlberg Since Boogie Nights
I Heart Huckabees
Best Publicity Gimmick
Hollywood billboard featuring a blow-job and a faux X-rating, Vincent Gallo, The Brown Bunny
Best Supporting Underwire Bra
Scarlett Johannson, In Good Company
The We'll Give You Another Award if You Promise Never To Speak in Public Again Award
Hilary Swank
Best Use of Over-The-Top Excess and Blatant Manipulation
Million Dollar Baby
Best Morgan Freeman Voiceover
Morgan Freeman, Million Dollar Baby
Best Most Annoying Ending Ever Besides Million Dollar Baby
Garden State
The Peter Saarsgard 'You're Hot But Please Say No To On-screen Nudity Next Time' Award
Rosario Dawson, Alexander
