Gay, will you accept this Gay?
I guess I'm kind of coming out of the closet here. Choire was actually the first person I came out to several months ago...
Me: So last night they had The Bachelor "reunion" show with the 22 girls who, over the last however many weeks, did not receive a rose.
Choire: Wow. Ho’s on the hoof.
Me: One of these girls was AMBER.
Choire: snicker
Me: AMBER was HILARIOUS
Choire: Ooo really?
Me: Without ever trying to be? Super adorable. Little. Hot bod. Blonde. Dimples. Very Barbie but still appealing.
Choire: Right.
Me: But, like, on the first few shows she was always drunk. So she got labeled the lush and everyone said she had a drinking problem, blah blah blah...
Choire: Bwa ha ha. Love that.
Me: Right! When really, the show was set up with scenarios where there were these daytime dates during which you were drinking champagne and sitting in hot tubs. And she's TINY. Hello!
Choire: Right. You’d be drunk too.
Me: Right! So she goes on her first (and only) non-group date with the Bachelor and it's a total disaster. She doesn't talk the whole time. Conversation is like pulling teeth with her.
Choire: HA HA
Me: But meanwhile, on the surface, she's totally his type so everyone thinks she's the perfect match for him.
Choire: Ahhh
Me: So they're sitting at dinner and there's all this awkward silence and every time he asks her a question she's like, "Oh, I don’t know. I’m not really sure. It’s hard to explain...." Total nightmare.
Choire: Super freak.
Me: He gives up. Then finally she says, "So, like, what kind of restaurants do you like? Like, restaurant chains?" And he's all, "Good! Good! This is what I want: conversation!" And she says, "I like The Olive Garden."
Choire: Snark
Me: And he’s all, "Um. Hm." And she goes, "Do you like The Olive Garden?" "No. No, I don't really like The Olive Garden." AMBER is SHOCKED. She doesn't UNDERSTAND.
Choire: HA H AH AHA HA
Me: "REALLY? You don't like The Olive Garden?" she says. "So you don’t LIKE ITALIAN FOOD?"
Choire: Oh, Amber.
Me: Right! So last night on the reunion show they interviewed her and the host was like, "Amber, what's the deal with The Olive Garden?" And she's all, "Yeah! What IS the deal? I LIKE The Olive Garden!" And the host goes, "But do you understand that you can still like Italian food and not like The Olive Garden?" And Amber goes, "I don't know, I'm not ITALIAN, I don't know what REAL ITALIAN tastes like!"
Choire: HA HA HA
Me: AND SCENE.
Choire: THAT IS INSANE.
Me: The end.
Choire: I love it.
I really am not one of those Oprah/Dr. Phil/How to Marry a Millionaire/Survivor/American Idol fanatics. You're about to judge me, I know. Go ahead. You're probably one of those KILL YOUR TELEVISION bumper sticker people.
It's not unlike the way you, say, for example, end up sleeping with that ex of yours whom you swore to all of your friends you would never talk to again. You know. It just happened. Procrastinating at home alone one evening, I tuned in to one episode of the ridiculous so-called reality series and that was the end of my Wednesday nights. “The Bachelor” suckered me in. It's not like my life. The people are gross. It was a guilty pleasure. But just for that one season. At least until last week when I ended up watching the premiere episode of "Boy Meets Boy", the gay version of "The Bachelor."
When I first saw the previews for Bravo's boy show, I said to myself: Oh hell no. I was horrified. I nearly screamed for the television to stop the madness (…but I didn't turn it off at that moment because there was something on that I really wanted to watch, but I can't remember what it was now). Like I said, it just happened. And I am obviously predisposed to reality show suckerage.
"Boy Meets Boy" focuses on James and fifteen gentleman competing against each other for this total stranger's love and affection. And also cash. The other reality-star of the show is James’s best friend Andra. I guess she’s there to entice a straight audience and maybe try and distract the foxy fifteen from an inevitable desire to just forget winning over James and have one big fat poolside orgy. The twist is that some of the suitors are actually straight and are just in it for the money that James gets to share with the mate of his choosing in the end. But no one else knows this, least of all James.
"In a world where gay is the norm and straight men must stay in the closet," says Bravo, "will boundaries be crossed? Can stereotypes be shattered? Will romance prevail?"
It's actually pretty smart. In a stupid kind of way.
Even if you never got sucked in to ever watching a single season or episode of "The Bachelor", if you own a TV you probably know just from all the commercials and promotions for the show (Voiceover: “Who will get a rose? The most shocking episode yet!”…. Vacuous bachelorette: “If he doesn’t give me a rose my heart will totally be breaked…”) that the big catch phrase for the reality show is "will you accept this rose?" That is the question that the Bachelor himself asks at the end of every week during the high anxiety, fake-nail-biting "rose ceremony" in which he chooses which ladies get voted off and which ones he's hoping to at least fondle the mammaries of on camera.
What I gained out of the whole experience was all the mileage I've gotten out of "will you accept this rose?" How many conversations have I had with Choire in which one of us has refrained from using that sentence in one way or another? Not many. Oh God. That joke will never not be funny. You try saying it now. But you have to preface it with a person's name. You need to have a slight dramatic pause between the name and the question. You also have to be dead serious when you say it because it's a very serious question.
Maybe I won't get addicted to "Boy Meets Boy." Wait. Who am I kidding? It's GAY! It's about gays doing other gays! With a few metrosexuals thrown in just for fun! I just can't get past the part of the show where James invites a potential boyfriend to stay on not by asking him if he will accept a rose, but by holding out a glass of sparkling wine and saying, "Bruce, [dramatic pause...] will you accept this champagne?"
Choire: You have to post the Amber story on your site exactly the way you just told it.
Me: Um. If I posted it I’d have to admit that I actually watched it. The pay off would probably not be worth it.
Choire: Oh, it’s SO not a good payoff, which is why it slays me.
