Treatment for "The Baz and Space Show!"
For my old friend, Spacecheese.
Space: You know what I want?
Baz: What?
Space: Gyros!
Baz: Okay.
Space: Yeah! Let's go!
Baz: Wait. I don't like gyros.
Space: What? We'll get you drunk. Then you'll like them.
Baz: That's true. That's how I end up liking lots of things.
Space: I wonder if science will prove that alcohol makes gyros more attractive.
VOICEOVER: The Space and Baz Show. It's more than a show. It's a conversation that nobody else understands.
* * *
EPISODE 1: "BASTILLE DAY FOR BAZIMA"
[Space is sitting behind his desk at the library wearing his company shirt.]
Space: Boy, sure glad work smells like pee today!
[Que laugh track]
[Bazima walks in wearing sunglasses and a ho skirt and tosses Space a can of Pepsi.]
[Que applause track]
Space: This is the best tasting Pepsi ever! Man! It's easy to be happy in spring!
Bazima: Man! It does help.
Space: Man alive! Say, we're having a Bastille Day Party. Would you like to come? You can bring Moby Dick the Cat!
Bazima [Bazima waggles a finger at Space]: Space, You know I was not raised a Bastillian.
Space: It'll be good! We'll cook out on our smoking porch, sit on the regular porch, drink and listen to Le Tigre, argue about William Jennings Bryan, H.L. Mencken, Johnny Cash, and Melly -- all the great Bastillians.
Bazima: I'll never convert to Bastille.
Space: You don't have to convert. You can just come, hang out, see what we're like.
Bazima: Do I have to, like, wear something?
Space [looking at Bazima's ho skirt and "fuck me" boots]: Well, the rest of us will be in traditional costume -- the poofy shirts, the salmon togas, the wooden shoes, the Sobreritos.
Bazima: Hehehehehehe! You in wooden shoes! Hahahahahaha!
[library visitors start staring at Bazima]
Space: Baz? Why is that funny?
Bazima: I don't know...! Ahahahahahahaha! ....It's like Little Dutch Lord of the Danceboy... Hahahahahahahahahaha!
Space: sigh
[and scene]
------
EPISODE 2: "THEO WANTS A GORDON GARTRELL"
[Our characters are on the set of "The Cosby Show". Space is sitting on the couch in the living room next to Bazima. He is drinking a gin and tonic. She is reading Penthouse.]
Space: So the question right now is, do I give two week's notice at the the library, or do I stick around till the end of April to collect one more full paycheck?
Bazima: If you can bear it, Stick it.
Space: Yeah. I guess it's what, three extra days? I may as well. I forgot how late in the month it is.
Bazima [holds up the magazine sideways to look at the centerfold]: Do that. Besides, you'll be glad for that extra money.
Space: Yeah. Although I went out and spent a bunch today, stupidly.
Bazima: On?
Space: Running gear. I needed new shoes very badly.
Bazima: Well, That's ok.
Space: I also bought a new shirt. It's blue. And a legal pad, because I forgot to bring one to work and I needed to do some writing.
Bazima: You should have bought a letter size pad without the lines and not yellow, and also a non-blue shirt. Maybe it would have been cheaper.
Space: Yeah. I need to start making those small economies. No more shirt-buying.
Bazima: Just make shirts!
Space [holds up his drink as if he's toasting]: Good idea! I'll hunt deer and make leather shirts!
Bazima: Oh.
Space: I will sew them together with vines!
Bazima: Well, I was thinking... You could take a towel and wrap it around your chest, and cut it to make sure it's the length that you want it - hit at the waist or hip - and then take the legs off of some old pants that you never wear and pin them over your shoulders to the towel. You'll need at least four pins, cut sleeves to length and then pin up the back of the towel to make a seam. Voila! Shirt!
Space [hands Bazima his drink as she hands him the centerfold] : Oooh! You're good! That would be so good!
Bazima: Do you like that?
Space: I love it. I can't wait to be poor enough to try it out!
Bazima: sigh
[and scene]
------
EPISODE 3: "GROWING PAINS"
[On the set of "Three's Company", Bazima is standing in the doorway of the bathroom watching Space shave.]
Bazima: I'm going to start lying about my age.
Space: Good idea, Baz. When you turn 30, start saying 28. When you hit 31, say 27... [Space stops shaving, distracted] ...Damn. 30...wow...
Bazima [crossing her arms]: Excuse me? Oh no you didn't!
Space: Oh, sorry. [resumes shaving] People tell me the thirties are nice, actually. I'm going to be there soon enough and it doesn't sound old to me.
Bazima: Yeah, not yet. You're not 29 like I am.
Space: It'll sound older the older I get?
Bazima: Yep.
Space: Yuck.
Bazima: Yep.
[Space goes to toilet, unzips his pants]
Space [thoughtfully]: I hope I'm still fuckable at 30. A lot can happen in 5 years.
Bazima: Penis shrinkage.
Space [casts a surreptitious glance at his crotch]: Well, thanks for giving me something new to worry about.
Bazima: Also, dementia.
Space: Hawaiian shirts, socks with sandals.
Bazima: Black socks with sandals.
Space: Yard gnomes! A mortgage!
Bazima: Back hair. [shudder]
Space: [shudder]
Bazima: Lazy eye.
Space: Beer gut.
Bazima: You already have that, Space.
Space: Oh yeah.
Bazima: Corns.
Space: Angina
Bazima: Vericose veins.
Space: Pet monkeys.
Bazima: [snickers] Wooden shoes.
Space: Heh.
Bazima: Ahahahahahahahaha!...Wooden shoes!
Space: sigh
[and scene]
------
EPISODE 4: "I PLEDGE A GRIEVANCE"
Voiceover by Waylon Jennings: Well, while our young heroes take a load off on the smoking porch in the summer heat, sipping Shandies and reading the Hazzard County Herald, they discover that the Supreme Court over in San Francisco has ruled that ole Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional. 'Course this means Space and Baz start praying...er, or something...for a kind of domino effect. Know what I mean?
Space: I'm really looking forward to the argument about the Pledge of Allegiance that I'm going to have with Uncle Jesse tonight. [turns page of paper and takes a gulp from his glass.]
Bazima: [looking out across the porch] One nation...under Bazima.
Space: [puts newspaper down] You wanna be on top?
Bazima: One nation...under mints. ...One nation...under Liza Minelli. ...One nation...under Boooboocitos...
Space: One nation...under Nugent.
Bazima: One nation...
Space: One nation...
Bazima: Under blog.
Space: Nooooo!
Bazima: One nation...
Space: I'd be discriminated against, Baz. I am without blog.
Bazima: One nation... under pants.
Space: One nation...
Bazima: Masturbation.
Space: With liberty and fructose for all.
Bazima: [whispers] Is this blog-worthy?
Space: [whispers] Quite possibly.
Bazima: Good. 'Cause I got nothing. [picks up the newspaper again and hands part of it to Space who takes another gulp of his Shandy.]
[camera pulls back slowly]
VOICEOVER BY WAYLON JENNINGS: Well, folks, I admit sometimes I have no idea what the hell those two are talking about. Maybe things will become clearer a little later on. In the meantime I'd advise you to check out what-all other trouble our young heroes get themselves into. Oh, and tell 'em Waylon. By the way, anyone know what a Shandy is?
[fadeout]
[and scene]
