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Part I, The Night Before

Me: Guess who's got Jury Duty tomorrow?

Shming: Oh no.

Me: I got naked with a lawyer once. Do you think I can be excused?

Shming: I don't think so.

Me: Aren't celebrities supposed to be exempt?

Shming: No and you're not a celebrity.

Me: I'm gonna wear gold lame pants and dark sunglasses.

Shming: don't get arrested tomorrow.

Me: why would I get arrested?

Shming: just don't.

Me: I have to be at the courthouse at 8:30 in the morning. can I wear my pajamas?

Shming: no.

Me: I’ll wear jeans.

Shming: yeah. wear jeans.

Me: I’m gonna be so belligerent.

Shming: you're going to say lots of inappropriate things--

Me: --at all the wrong moments.

Shming: they're gonna arrest you.

Me: "I object!"

Shming: oh, no.

Me: "all RISE!"

Shming: make sure you raise your right hand.

Me: I’m gonna stand up when the plaintiff goes to the chair.

Shming: goes to the chair? you're getting ahead of everything.

Me: I’m gonna say the pledge of allegiance.

Shming: "all RISE!"

Me: "I call SIDEBAR!"

Shming: "*sigh* Judge, may I approach the bench?"

Me: Wow. That was good. You sounded so serious.

Shming: "Judge? Please see me in your chambers."

Me: "I call do-over."

Shming: they don't say that.

Me: "Excuse me. Isn't Miss McBeal supposed to be here?"

Shming: they're gonna carry you out of the courtroom kicking and screaming.

Me: "hey! I saw this one on 'The Practice'! GUILTY!"

Shming: Oh boy.

Part II, The Day in Question

9:00: That video with Ed Bradley was pretty good. It even made me feel like my service is important. I truly am an active participant in a democratic society. my voice counts. This is more important than voting. And, hey, I’m not at work. this is kind of like a field trip.

11:00: Am I sleeping?

12:50: I’ve been sitting in the same seat since 8:45. They haven't called my name. I hope they pronounce Miss B correctly. Is it lunchtime?

1:10: Off to lunch. Walking down Court Street looking for food. Hot guy looks at me and I trip over nothing.

1:55: Back in the jury room. Now are they calling my name? Cute boy over there. He's making eye contact.

2:00: Watching the news from my pew on the elevated TV. No sound. Only closed captioning. The weather report goes something like this:

BUTECAUSE GETTING COLDE.
IT WILL BE CHIMLY.

2:15: Cute boy who was making eye contact just got called. He gets up and he's like 4' 2".

2:30: Some soap opera on the telly:

VICTOR>> WHEN I LOST MY SIGHT OMETHING HAPPENED
RELATIONSHIP THATUR.
PAIGE>>LISTEN AS A GA OF A COSMETICS COMPANY I KNOW JUST INA SEET.

2:40: Call my office on my cell. They know I am at Jury Duty. Yet, I’m being told to do things that I can't do because I am in a courthouse. I am being told to do them as if I am not in a courthouse.

2:46: I call my intern at the office. I tell her to do them.

3:30: Some guy comes from another room and sits down next to me. Asks me if I’ve been called. I say no. He says he's been rejected. I say don't take it personally. He says he's used to it. Even though he doesn't have to report he has to stay until 5:00 to get credit for the day. I say, that must feel like detention. He's flirting. Not interested. Please don't ask me out.

4:00: Starting to realize I won't get called. This means I have to come back tomorrow. It's not feeling like a field trip anymore.

4:45: Class dismissed. Report back tomorrow. 9am sharp.

THANK YOU VEMUCH. MY ERK HERE IS DONE.

Part III, In Conclusion

Day two of Jury Duty and I got called in to one of the impaneling rooms along with twelve other sit-around-and-waiters. Every time they said impaneling room over the P.A., it sounded like "impaling room".

The case involved a boat, the couple who rented it, and the accident that caused the husband severe and permanent damage to his back, for which the couple is claiming the boat owner is entirely responsible. The attorney for the plaintiff explained all of this to us after a jaw-dropping intro. In it he explained that everyone deserves a fair trial even "the small people of society"; even "the people who don't talk right" and people "like that". Had I been almost anywhere else I would have told him what an asshole he was and suggested he go with a different script next time. It turned out that both the husband and wife are attorneys, the defendant and owner of the boat was actually their close friend, and the damage included a big dent in hubby's lower deck.

Athough I firmly believe that everyone deserves a fair trial, I’m not totally confident that I could have been completely impartial when the defendants were lawyers, especially since their own lawyer made such an impressive first impression. After two rounds of questioning, which took place with all twelve of us, plus the two attorneys in a room the size of a dinghy, I was ultimately rejected. My tour of duty was over.

I guess in order to get that whole "I’m an active participant in a democratic society" feeling in full effect as far as the court of law is concerned, you have to at least be on the case. In the end, those who seemed to have no opinion one way or the other were the chosen ones. Which is, I guess, though it seems ass backwards, one of the ways in which this whole system is supposed to work. But if I ever ended up in a court of law as either the defendant or the plaintiff, I don't think I’d want any of those people deciding my fate.

Maybe there's a good crime prevention tactic in all of this. for example, maybe kids should be taken on a Jury Duty Field Tri" to see what that side of it is like. It could be like Scared Straight, only with lunch breaks and closed captioning.